'Tis the Season

Every year, when this season comes around, I anxiously wait.. knowing that I'd come across certain people and certain places and feel.. well, honestly it's hard to put into words exactly. But there's a huge mix of emotions that flood me and memories that flash through my mind and it's really hard sometimes to make any sense of it.  It's funny because some weeks I try to mentally prepare myself beforehand, knowing that I might see her again on some particular day. But of course, it's always the days I don't remember to prepare myself, when it actually happens.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt every time she walked right past me without a glance. But it also wouldn't be entirely truthful if I said I wanted her to at least look at me. There used to be this painful, palpable tension one could literally physically feel between the three feet of space between us every time she walked right by me. But then again, that could just be me. For all I know, she could have felt absolutely nothing. The weird thing about perception is that everyone truly has their own (probably distorted) version. But anyway, I keep getting off track. Like I was saying, I used to feel this painful feeling every year, on that one day I'd see her again.. but this year, I didn't feel it as much. I don't know if it's a sign of me finally accepting the reality of how things are. But for once, I think I had a genuine smile on my face.. even if I was looking at the back of her head. & Even if I literally stopped to say hi to their family and she continued to walk on by. & Even if she ended up sitting in the pew right behind me in church. I'm not really sure if mentioning all these things could possibly mean that I am in denial, or that I am simply trying to convince myself that I am okay. But I guess even saying that can put doubt in anyone's mind.

I thought about censoring this post even further. Being more vague. Monitoring my thoughts more as they type away on the keyboard, editing as I go. I mean there's always the risk of someone who knows what and who I'm talking about reading this. There's always that slight chance she might be. But, I realized that censoring my posts and being all vague would betray the entire purpose of me restarting blogging. I used to blog really raw, really real, really 'in-the-moment' posts throughout jr. high and high school. Admittedly a lot of it was embarrassing and overly-charged with emotion (and possibly even sometimes offensive to others).. but it was honest. And real. And human. I hope to bring more of that back in my life (just to clarify, I mean the honesty, the realness, and the humanness).

Ta ta for now.
Peace, love, and utter bliss,
RONA

Thank You

Did my first "thank you" card with a client today as part of our last session..

"I will miss your sparkling eyes -- that glitter in your eyes you have when you listen to someone :)"

Moments like these that truly make all the stress and anxiety of graduate school oh so very worth it. Dear client, thank you for making my day. Yet again.

Sleeping with a smile tonight :)

Peace, love, and utter bliss,

RONA