Failure

Failed attempt (again) at bringing back blogging into my life.

2AM

It's 2AM and I should really be asleep. In a couple hours I will need to wake up and get ready to drive to Azusa for group supervision.. 

But it's 2AM and I can't sleep. My body is aching in seven different places. I've got cramps and an annoying backache.. And... I can hear my neighbor sobbing. 

It's 2AM and I am randomly having all these thoughts and feelings right now. I'm paranoid that the site I applied to for practicum next year will just absolutely hate me on paper and reject me, even if I am technically guaranteed a spot there now. 

It's 2AM and I'm remembering that I saw her in church again this weekend. Not sure why it didn't really register until now. Seeing her mom is sometimes worse than seeing her.. because her mom actually smiles at me. And it makes me feel fifteen again. One thing I realized this time around is that whenever I see her in church she looks kinda miserable. I hope she's okay. 

It's 2AM and I am truly madly deeply missing dance. I am realizing how afraid I am of trying to get back into it. I don't want to lose the one thing I actually felt I was good at.. But the irony is that as the years go by.. My avoidance of it is making me lose it. I can't get over this mental block I'm in. I'm so afraid of not being as good as I was before. I'm so afraid of not being able to keep up. I'm so afraid of disappointing myself. I keep making excuses.. And it makes me really sad. 

It's 2AM and I'm thinking of him moving in the fall. I'm worried about going long distance. I don't really know what to expect. I just know I'm always going to miss him. 

It's 2AM and I really should be sleeping. 

Grown

I've really grown a lot this year, having had many challenges along the way. And I think that's one of the best and scariest parts of being in your mid 20s -- you really find out who you are. I mean you get exhausted tryna make something of yourself.. and even if you slap on some lipstick and a flashy outfit, the tiredness still seeps through. But you put on a smile & count your blessings because that's the best way to live. And you constantly try to make yourself better. I've never been that good at keeping resolutions but maybe this blog will help keep me accountable. 

2015 Resolutions

• Gym. At least once a week. It's really hard to fit gyming into my hectic grad school schedule but once a week should be doable and I am ashamed that I haven't already implemented this when I was doing so well going every day in the summer. 

• Dance. Either take class(es) or join something.. I need to find my passion again. 

• Be more patient.

• Trust others. 

• Develop my speaking skills. 

• Find confidence in myself with my practice (in therapy and in grad school in general). 

What are yours?

Best of luck in the new year! 

'Tis the Season

Every year, when this season comes around, I anxiously wait.. knowing that I'd come across certain people and certain places and feel.. well, honestly it's hard to put into words exactly. But there's a huge mix of emotions that flood me and memories that flash through my mind and it's really hard sometimes to make any sense of it.  It's funny because some weeks I try to mentally prepare myself beforehand, knowing that I might see her again on some particular day. But of course, it's always the days I don't remember to prepare myself, when it actually happens.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt every time she walked right past me without a glance. But it also wouldn't be entirely truthful if I said I wanted her to at least look at me. There used to be this painful, palpable tension one could literally physically feel between the three feet of space between us every time she walked right by me. But then again, that could just be me. For all I know, she could have felt absolutely nothing. The weird thing about perception is that everyone truly has their own (probably distorted) version. But anyway, I keep getting off track. Like I was saying, I used to feel this painful feeling every year, on that one day I'd see her again.. but this year, I didn't feel it as much. I don't know if it's a sign of me finally accepting the reality of how things are. But for once, I think I had a genuine smile on my face.. even if I was looking at the back of her head. & Even if I literally stopped to say hi to their family and she continued to walk on by. & Even if she ended up sitting in the pew right behind me in church. I'm not really sure if mentioning all these things could possibly mean that I am in denial, or that I am simply trying to convince myself that I am okay. But I guess even saying that can put doubt in anyone's mind.

I thought about censoring this post even further. Being more vague. Monitoring my thoughts more as they type away on the keyboard, editing as I go. I mean there's always the risk of someone who knows what and who I'm talking about reading this. There's always that slight chance she might be. But, I realized that censoring my posts and being all vague would betray the entire purpose of me restarting blogging. I used to blog really raw, really real, really 'in-the-moment' posts throughout jr. high and high school. Admittedly a lot of it was embarrassing and overly-charged with emotion (and possibly even sometimes offensive to others).. but it was honest. And real. And human. I hope to bring more of that back in my life (just to clarify, I mean the honesty, the realness, and the humanness).

Ta ta for now.
Peace, love, and utter bliss,
RONA

Thank You

Did my first "thank you" card with a client today as part of our last session..

"I will miss your sparkling eyes -- that glitter in your eyes you have when you listen to someone :)"

Moments like these that truly make all the stress and anxiety of graduate school oh so very worth it. Dear client, thank you for making my day. Yet again.

Sleeping with a smile tonight :)

Peace, love, and utter bliss,

RONA

Exhaustion

I had the idea that going into a doctorate level program was going to be long and hard, but I never would have guessed the extent of the difficulties I would face. It really is one hell of a ride. I guess I never truly expected to be challenged in every way a person could be: academically, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, personally.. (the list goes on). I never knew there were soooo many ways a person’s being could be stretched.. and all at the same time too. I’m learning more about myself than I ever have before in my life and honestly it’s kinda scary.
It’s been a really tough week, to say the least (and it’s not even over yet) but also very pivotal. Because even though I might have hit a breaking point earlier today, having a session with a client go surprisingly really well at the very end of a difficult day… reminds me that it’s all worth it. I dreaded going to session because I felt like I wouldn’t be my best tonight, having to switch off the noisy clutter of all the anxieties and fears I have in my mind. But the moment I sat in that chair with my client sitting directly across from me, I was instantly transported to a different place. And as session continued on, important, magical things happened (yes, it was magical). And it’s moments like that (that really couldn’t have come at a better time), that help me push through and remember why I started pursuing this crazy road in the first place.

I am exhausted. I am drained. But I am also reminded that I am where I want to be.

/wordvomit.

Blogging

I came across my old blog from my days of teenage angst and I was both appalled and amused hahah. Part of me thought, I should just delete ALL of these embarrassing posts! But another part of me didn't have the heart to just delete it all. Reading all those posts reminds me of how far I have come.. how much I have grown. In a weird way I guess I am a little attached to those memories and emotions of my past. No matter how painful it is to read it now (gosh, was I melodramatic!).

Blogging used to be a huge part of my life. I thought I could bring it back. Regardless of how Sylvia Plath-ish my writing was.. I used to be a decent writer of sorts.. haha. Over the past 4 to 5ish years I've tried to start up blogging again several times, without much success.. mostly due to to time constraints. But like many things in my life that used to mean so much to me.. I just miss it. So here's to (another) beginning of a new blog. I'm really going to try to take it back and keep this as a 'words only' blog.. I know how much people love pictures, buuuuut.. just add me on instagram :)

Feel free to drop comments or notes below.. part of what I miss during the blog days of xanga and livejournal was the community of bloggers' interaction. If you have a blog, leave your URL so that I can check it out as well :)

Signing off for now!
Peace, love, and utter bliss,
RONA