Failure

Failed attempt (again) at bringing back blogging into my life.

2AM

It's 2AM and I should really be asleep. In a couple hours I will need to wake up and get ready to drive to Azusa for group supervision.. 

But it's 2AM and I can't sleep. My body is aching in seven different places. I've got cramps and an annoying backache.. And... I can hear my neighbor sobbing. 

It's 2AM and I am randomly having all these thoughts and feelings right now. I'm paranoid that the site I applied to for practicum next year will just absolutely hate me on paper and reject me, even if I am technically guaranteed a spot there now. 

It's 2AM and I'm remembering that I saw her in church again this weekend. Not sure why it didn't really register until now. Seeing her mom is sometimes worse than seeing her.. because her mom actually smiles at me. And it makes me feel fifteen again. One thing I realized this time around is that whenever I see her in church she looks kinda miserable. I hope she's okay. 

It's 2AM and I am truly madly deeply missing dance. I am realizing how afraid I am of trying to get back into it. I don't want to lose the one thing I actually felt I was good at.. But the irony is that as the years go by.. My avoidance of it is making me lose it. I can't get over this mental block I'm in. I'm so afraid of not being as good as I was before. I'm so afraid of not being able to keep up. I'm so afraid of disappointing myself. I keep making excuses.. And it makes me really sad. 

It's 2AM and I'm thinking of him moving in the fall. I'm worried about going long distance. I don't really know what to expect. I just know I'm always going to miss him. 

It's 2AM and I really should be sleeping. 

Grown

I've really grown a lot this year, having had many challenges along the way. And I think that's one of the best and scariest parts of being in your mid 20s -- you really find out who you are. I mean you get exhausted tryna make something of yourself.. and even if you slap on some lipstick and a flashy outfit, the tiredness still seeps through. But you put on a smile & count your blessings because that's the best way to live. And you constantly try to make yourself better. I've never been that good at keeping resolutions but maybe this blog will help keep me accountable. 

2015 Resolutions

• Gym. At least once a week. It's really hard to fit gyming into my hectic grad school schedule but once a week should be doable and I am ashamed that I haven't already implemented this when I was doing so well going every day in the summer. 

• Dance. Either take class(es) or join something.. I need to find my passion again. 

• Be more patient.

• Trust others. 

• Develop my speaking skills. 

• Find confidence in myself with my practice (in therapy and in grad school in general). 

What are yours?

Best of luck in the new year!